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lyrics

M
Call Mom and Dad on Saturday and tell them you’re still alive
Call your sister on Sunday and wish her a happy gay day
Don’t forget to wear a hat when you leave the house
Make falafel in small bundles with little oil
Put your shoes in the closet as soon as you walk into your room
When you’re buying second hand books, make sure there aren’t any markings on the pages
Hard boil the eggs the night before

J: Are you really looking at sex apps after midnight?

M
Always chew with your mouth closed if other people are around

A: Don’t look at the sex apps after midnight

M
Don’t talk to cops, not even for directions
Don’t leave food in the street – animals will get too close to the road

But I don’t even want to have sex with the people I chat with on the apps

This is how you cut the sleeves off your t-shirts
This is how you wear the sleeves you’ve just cut off as headbands
This is how you moisturize your face
This is how you fold your t-shirt so you can wear it twice
This is how you hang your pants so you can wear them again
Water your aloe plant enough so you can use it for cuts

J
This is how you clean the tub
This is how you clean the bathroom and kitchen
This is how you clean the bathroom, kitchen and living room
This is how you smile to someone you don’t want to sleep with… tonight
This is how you smile to someone you don’t ever want to sleep with
This is how you smile to someone you have to fuck
This is how you choose a bowl for cereal
This is how you choose a plate for a real meal
This is how you choose two plates
This is how you choose a spoon for soup
This is how you choose a spoon for cooking
This is how you act in front of people you don’t really know


A
Brush your teeth every day, even if it’s without toothpaste
Don’t wear straight leg jeans – you’re not a fashion victim
Don’t pet friend’s cats, you are allergic
This is how you cook rice
This is how you cook stir fry
This is how you make a burrito
This is how you do a back walkover
This is how you bully a man and this is how a man bullies you
This is how you love a man
If this doesn’t work, there are other ways
If they don’t work, don’t feel too bad about giving up
This is how you pee in the street if you have to, and this is how you stand so that it doesn’t land on you
This is how you stretch a dollar

M: Always stay away from corporate jobs
A: “But what if I really need the money, and the job pays well?”
J: Are you really going to be the kind of person that people will actually hire?

M
This is how you write a grant
This is how you write a grant to get the grant
This is how you tell the truth and don't get the grant
This is how you make a piece
This is how you have the idea of spinning in your piece
This is how your friend borrows or steals the idea of spinning in a piece
This is how you get spinning back
This is how you pack a lunch
This is how you pack a suitcase
This is how you decide which shirts to bring
This is how you pick a route to go home
This is how you walk to feel safe
This is how you walk to feel sexy

J
This is how you lift a weight
This is how you lift a heavier weight
Don't forget to make a todo list
Remember to prioritize items on the list
This is how you procrastinate
Always answer the call from your parents
Always redirect her initial disappointment that you don't call more
This is how you ask for money
This is how you spend it
This is how you save it
This is how you spend what you saved
This is how you write an email
This is how you miss an email
This is how you read all the emails on the train

A
This is how you watch tv
This is how you stay up too late watching tv
This is how you stay up till 3 watching tv.
Check to see if the pens you're carrying have ink. If they don't, throw them away. Steal free pens. Steal all of them.
This is how you reach into your pocket
This is how you pull your phone out
This is how you check the time
This is how you check all your messages
Don't look at the sex app, you're in rehearsal
Don't look at the Facebook, you're with your niece
Don’t text your friend, the cars are coming

M
This is how you make a friend
This is how you keep a friend
This is how you lose touch with a friend
This is how you lose a friend

Cook the pepper first to get it soft
Put the scallions in after the pepper
Meanwhile get the bacon going
Add some butter first so that it won’t stick to the pan
Don’t wait too long to add the eggs

BEAT
J
Turn the heat down or off immediately
Leave the bacon grease in the pan and use it to cook the lunch meat
Stir the coffee grounds in the press with a wooden chopstick
Wait at least five minutes before pressing
Press slowly
Take twenty full seconds to press
Count out loud
Add the lunch meat to the salad
Tape the container shut and put it in your backpack

M
This is how you get confused
This is how you move a lot
This is how you confuse moving with searching
This is how you run away
This is how you land

J
This is how you love someone but don’t fall in love with them
This is how you get penetrated
This is how someone slides into you
This is how you know it’s correct
This is how you tell them just because we’re only fuckbuddies doesn’t mean you can leave me at the party without saying goodbye

A
Drive down the street slowly enough to check if you’re being followed, then drive quickly
Go to another city to see your friend perform

M
What happens if when I get to the show I don’t like the look of the audience?

A
Well then you should leave, and drive the three hours it takes to get back home

M
This is how you go mad
This is how you tell your friend you went mad
This is how it rains when you tell your friend you went mad
This is how you both stand in the rain

J
This is how you tell your friend you’re doing better
This is how you sit across the table from your friend and say, “I’m doing better”
This is how you snap
This is how you find a gun
This is how you write a note
This is how you go into the mountains
This is how you go into the woods
This is how you point the gun
This is how you shoot the gun

A
This is how you ride your bike to work
This is how you ride your bike to play
This is how you ride your bike to a booty call
This is how you ride your bike for cardio
This is how you ride your bike through the park
This is how you ride your bike over the bridge
This is how you ride your bike through the city

Get a haircut every two weeks.
Bring a picture, or tell him you want the same as last time, only a little different.

credits

from DANCER: Music from Age & Beauty Part 3, released December 31, 2015
voices: Miguel Gutierrez, Alex Rodabaugh, Jen Rosenblit
recording assistance: Jimin Brelsford

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The Belleville Brooklyn, New York

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